Merry Christmas

The holiday season is fast upon us. I think to a year ago... I was in London visiting Rizelle and my Pirates :-) Insane how time flies. Crazy how much can change in one year. Julie is married and gone to Brixton. I met a man in June who has changed my world. Life is good!

I am the person who's always waiting for the new year. I hope next year will be better than this year. I've been wishing the years away carelessly. I am definitely not getting any younger. It's taken many years to learn that I have to slow down. I can feel my body changing. I can feel the 'tired' and it's scary.

I am looking forward to 2008. I am ready to make more memories. I am also very grateful for the blessings of this year. Merry Christmas! & Happy New Year!

make this go on forever

We're heading into the second part of 2007 and I'm reeling from all the events thus far. I've had an amazing year. Everything is going well, both work and personal. I hooked up with Steven Brown in February for work on "Cane" and now have wrapped a feature "Not Easily Broken" as the production supervisor. Not only do I admire and respect Steven as a producer, he is also a good person.

I loved every moment on this show. Okay, maybe that is a slight exaggeration but close enough. There were a few moments I wish never happened. The overall experience of this feature was amazing. Steven is a great mentor. He is patient and understanding. He was willing to teach and actually took the time to do so. I find that truly admirable. Couple that with him being a man of his words... I have been blessed to work with him.

The best moments in life are the ones you least expect. Oh yes, we say this all the time. We even try to believe it most of the time. Truth is, while I can create my own destiny, the universe will always find a way to surprise me. My biggest surprise of all... Finding Nemo! My little nightly chants, my rehearsed mantra... I could never have imagined my gift.

Undeniable

It's no April Fools. It's my reality. I am tired of being "his lost". Ever get sick of hearing that. Why can't I be "his gain"? I laugh, but it's true. People move on, people move forward. I've moved on. I've moved forward. But wherever I am, I am stuck in this world of singledom. And I'M SICK OF IT!

He could have been honest with me. I asked him out only once. He never needed to have asked me out. But twice he did. And then he just blew me off. I don't understand it. I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for it. I don't want any of that shit. It's hard enough to just be me. And I certainly don't need the added stress and complication. Just a nice evening with someone interesting to talk to. With something cool to talk about. All this other stuff is such a drag. And I'M SICK OF IT!

2007

It's coming on February of the New Year. Remember when you were a kid, wishing time away. How badly would I give to slow things down now. It's a rainy night in Burbank. I'm putzing around, like I do almost every night. Check my emails, check out the world. Sonic is sitting my on desk, next to the computer. Both dogs are at my feet, tired of playing with each other, and wanting some attention from me. It's time for a little glass of vino and some dinner.

Oh by the way, one year ago today, I picked up Gracie from the community vet. Technically, her bday was yesterday... the day I adopted her from East Valley Shelter. I'm a bad mom for not celebrating it. We're still warming up to each other. And, it's like my friend said "for better or worse, she's a part of my family now" and it is indeed true. She and Rocky love each other. I know they would miss each other terribly if separated. I only wish she were a little less aggressive and a little less A.D.D. But then... don't we always wish for something different than what we have in our kids?

As for Sonic and Rockstar, they are both doing great. My little family. My reason why travelling is not the best idea. But... it is 2007, changes for everyone, including me.

This is me ... December in London ...

New Year's Resolution

who doesn't have these?

1. Lose 10 pounds (yea yea yea)
2. Find a nice film project with nice people to kick off the year
3. Clean my garage (get rid of the clutter)
4. Clean my house (holy cow, the amount of crapola!!!)
5. Find new home for Yin 2 and Yang (this is very sad for me but it's a must)
6. Paint the office (how? don't know yet, the space is a mess)
7. Sonic - dental appointment
8. Cut down palm tree
9. Start the remodeling process - yippeeeeeeee, hope I can afford it

okay, nine resolutions to start. not too shabby. some realistic, some will be repeated for 2008 (but why be pessimistic this early in the game).

here's to an incredibly auspicious 2007!

London

My journey begins... how long have I waited to visit the U.K.? I leave Sunday December 10th. Julie Fay will be joining me in the plane ride... she's going to visit Clive. As for me, slight change of plans but nothing I can't handle. I will have 8 days to play in London and I'm hoping to spend some time with Riz. Of course, there will be plenty of play time with the Pirates... including Andy's wedding.

London Tower Bridge (photo by Vickie). It was beautiful.

Sonic

Meet Sonic Boom Boom. She's my girl, my number one! There's no doubt in my mind that she and I were meant to be together. It is not only my responsibility to take care of her, it's my honor.

My ex and I rescued Sonic in December of 2000. We were on our way to a holiday parade in Montrose. My stepson was participating in the parade for the ROTC. Not only were we running late but we were forced to park quite a distance away from the main strip. As we walked underneath the 210 Freeway, I could hear a faint meow. I looked all around but it was dark and while there were homes in the neighborhood, I could tell the meow was coming from somewhere directly underneath the freeway bridge. It was several seconds before I saw the glow of cat eyes. It was distant and faint but it was there. Like I said, we were running late and had to bust a move if we were going to see any of the parade. As we left the site, I told my ex that if she was still there when we came back, we should try to rescue her.

She's almost six years old now. For the most part, she's a happy girl and she's thriving. As cats go, she's finicky and stubborn and incredibly shy. When I moved out of my house with my ex, it took Sonic almost a month before she would come out of the closet and start exploring our new apartment. I made a comfy cozy bed for her in the back of the closet and I remember joining her back there with a can of tuna. We would both sit in the dark, surrounded by my clothes and various other piles of crap. She would eat tuna and purr, I would cry about my ex. This was our ritual. This was how we both healed and learned to move on.

Sonic is my fabric and I can't imagine my life without her.

Force of Universe

Ever wonder what happens when people think? Ideas form, thoughts are shared. Suddenly, it's not such a strange phenomena. So, here am I... conforming to the mainstream. I'm blogging. What will I share? Who will I share it with? Who will care? Will I care?

My thoughts are both innocent and perverse. I can be crude and sensitive. Only time will tell how I blog and how I'm viewed. But no matter how I blog or how I'm viewed, this is my personal diary. I intend to share with everyone and no one. I will be honest. I will be emotional. I will write as if I'm in my head and alone.

Ever the Same

Another night, the darkness all around. I'm downloading songs onto my iPod for the road trip to Vegas. There's always a song. It moves you, spiritually, emotionally, physically. Once again, consumed by the rhythm. Touched by the music. Saddened by the words. I'm the biggest softy when it comes to lyrics. Oh, how it touches me so deep down inside.

The house is quiet except for Sonic moving about and me on the computer... the house is calm. Only a couple of hours in the evening can I get this quiet. Actually, it's the early morning. Funny, I wanted a fulfilling life. But I didn't imagine this. And I'm ready for more. I want it all. Like always.

This time, let it be real. Let it be mine.

Beautiful Sad Song

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
Cause I saw the end before we'd began,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there.
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held you head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me.
Remember us and all we used to be.
I've seen you cry. I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine.
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time.
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby. I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

-James Blunt
"Goodbye My Lover"

MM

He is the ideal man. He is the one that you hoped you married. He may flirt. He may have his fantasies. But when the reality of what is possible to him yields only the thought of his marriage... he is the one I can't have. He makes me laugh so hard I cry. He makes my insides hurt at the thought of him. He makes my logic have reason. He seems to have all the traits and all the personality that makes me tick. But as we chat... as we flirt... as we make sense... he is married. I thought about how it hurt. I think about how it made me sick. I think about how it made my whole body ache. And in that moment, I almost didn't care.

Pirates 2

There's no such thing as jotting down a few things. By the time I get to my journal, weeks have passed. So, let's do a quick recap with some highlights...

I've now spoken to Geoffrey Rush and Jonathan Pryce. Both classics, in my opinion. Funny how they make me more nervous than speaking to a younger superstar. Things are going well. I think I have about 2 months left on this show. Red permanent markers checking off each day until we reach March ??? who knows when we will actually finish. Heard today that they are actually taking bets down in the Bahamas. Me, I just keep chugging along until they tell me to pack up my stuff and never come back again. As crazy as this show has been, I'm really glad for it. I've learned so much. And I've met some truly amazing people.

Rocky is doing great. He's 8-months now and really coming into his own. The training has truly paid off. And we had a scare... he got corrected by a stray rotty that I was going to foster. Needless to say but I will no longer be taking her in. I'm dying for a rotty but I think I will have to start from puppy and I'm just not prepared to do puppy-hood again. Sonic is fantastic. She's been sick but she's recovering nicely. I know she's having a hard time sharing me with Rocky. I can see it in her eyes, especially when I have him in my arms. She hasn't acted out at all. She's just an amazing creature.

Yin and Yang 2 are freezing. I need to move them inside before it gets even colder. But my house is so small and they take up so much space. It will be a cramped winter.... maybe cozy is a better word.

I'm headed to London in April, after I finish Pirates. I have some personal business to attend and I'm very excited. It's a change I've been wanting and needing. If I can convince my parents to watch the babies longer, maybe I can head over to Tuscany for a week. That should be fun. Lots to do and very little time to do it. The Brits are waking up, I better get busy.

Cheers.

Holy Cow! Rocky is 6-Months Old

Boy, life just keeps moving forward, ready or not. It's been forever since I've written. And for good reason, I've been working way more hours than is legal. And I've got my little baby boy. Whom I might add turns 6-months today. How crazy. Rocky Road... my little pug puppy. He has been a handful since I got him. Brought the little tyke home and found out 2 weeks later that he had giardia. Two weeks of diarrhea... can you imagine the dehydration and the burn in his little butt. Not to mentioned my soiled rug. Then the puppy separation anxieties... are you kidding me. I can't even leave the room without him yelping like he's being murdered. How anyone raises a puppy...???

Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... and now a good four months past. My little Rocky is growing up. He's doing much better in his xpen. He's actually not tearing it to shreds every single time I leave him in there. And he's even started to hold his pee... what a breakthrough.

As hard as these last few months, Rocky is such a love. He's so freaking adorable. I love when he does downward facing dog. And he's so cute when he's first stretching in the morning. He gets his back in this great arch. Makes me jealous as my back is stiffer than shit. And he sneezes... and he snarfles... ALOT. Oh, and he snores. It's the funniest sound to hear.

I haven't had much freedom in the last four months. But I'm slowly adjusting. Rocky is adjusting. Sonic is adjusting. Life will stay in perpetual motion... So here we are!

The Rave-Ups

Serendipity... against all odds, I made it to my friend's birthday bash at Molly Malone's last night. Illegally parked after 30 minutes of hopelessness, $9 in my purse and $10 cover charge... I was ready to "gently" toss the gift at my friend and go home. It was already 9:30pm and I hate going out on school nights. Borrowed a dollar from the birthday gal before the bouncer bounced me across the street. At that point, I needed a drink in a hurry, had to leave before my car got towed!

Quick chat about the first band crapping out lead me to find that they hadn't stumbled upon Molly's by chance. In fact, die hard fan Joel had brought out the troop to birthday bash to The Rave-Ups. WHAT! WHO? WHERE? WHEN? TONIGHT? HERE? I took a triple take. None of my friends there had heard of The Rave-Ups, besides Joel. No one could believe that I had heard of them. Joel wondered if I was closer to his age. NO! and holy cow!!! The Rave-Ups played at Molly Malone's last night. First gig in 15 years! Spoke briefly with Jimmer (and got a hug)... done raising his 17 year old son, Chance. Time to play again. Writing new music. HE SOUNDS THE SAME! It was awesome! I felt like I was part of a cult, except without the mohawk, the tats and the piercings.

Serendipity indeed!

Lights Are On...

Ever feel like the lights are out... I'm so exhausted. That seems to be the norm anymore. But finally, a gleam of light at the end of my tunnel. Things are slowing down. FINALLY!

I'm not sure but I feel like I willed something bad. I was so upset when Yin was taken. I was pissed! I'm still mad! How dare someone come into my backyard and steal my turtle. Who has that right? Who steals someone else's pet. I live in a great area. Besides the neighbors right next door, no one knows what I have in my backyard. But that's just it, the neighbors can see right into my backyard. They see everything. The walls are low. Who would have thought that was going to turn out to be an issue. After not much consideration, I knew who took Yin. The damn punk grand-kids. The same kids that come over when the grandparents are away and throw loud obnoxious parties until 4am. When I confronted the neighbors, the grandparents... I was careful. I simply asked them to check with the grandkids. See if they might have heard anything in the neighborhood. But like "proud" grandparents, they couldn't fathom the thought and I'm sure they never asked. But they don't know me. There's something very different with me. It's like Tom, my medium said, I have a sense and a will. Dragon's fire, he called it. And it's passionate and very powerful. So, with all my might, I cursed the "one" who stole my turtle. I cursed the "one" with bad health. I cursed the "one" with bad luck. That was a week ago. This morning, the sirens woke me up. Off in the distance, I could hear the sirens... inching closer and closer. Then my eyes opened and the sirens were next door. I don't know what happened. I just went to take a shower and get ready for work.

where's my Yin

Loads have happen. The crew came home, early hiatus. Tank not ready. Special Effects department in deep doo doo (is that a word)... I haven't had a break in 5 weeks. Should be a union rule about that. In fact, might call my pathetic union tomorrow and ask. Sending out surveyors and engineers... we hit rock! HOLY SHIT! Now what? Guess start up on P3 will be pushed. All else is alright. Am still freaked about Yin being taken from me. Signs are all still posted in the neighborhood but nothing. It's been 3 weeks. Finally had to bite the bullet and buy Yin 2. How odd? Yin 2 is a male red eared slider. If ever I'm going to buy a boyfriend, I guess this would be it! The two were in the same cubby the other day. Both skittish as hell. What the f*^k!

Called Dave Thomas. Am going to replace my gate. Need one higher. Have to build up the wall between the neighbor and myself. I've got a great idea for golden princess bamboo. Should be interesting when finished. Am pretty damn confidant it was the damn hoodlum grandkids that took Yin. Am very pissed. Confronted the grandparents but they were NOT catching on to my accusations. They even suggested I call the police. Fine idea!

Ok, maybe I'll have an early night. And actually relax a little. Who am I kidding? Back to work...

May 13, 2005

A male brindle pug is born today. I will not meet him for another 9 weeks. I will meet him by chance. I will meet him on my search for a fawn pug that my sister will name either Lucy or Root Beer.

This male brindle pug is mostly black with specks of gold and brown. He has the biggest brown eyes and the flattest nose. His profile is like a ski slope cresting over the top of his forehead. He has short black ears that flop down.

I will meet him during my P2/3 hiatus in June.

The Truth Is...

I am so tired. It's been four (4) weeks of non-stop madness. Pirates has taken over my life. Every spare moment of it. Who am I kidding... what spare moments. I'm being woken up at four in the morning by crazy wives. Always the damn crazy wives. God help me if I ever become one of them! One thing I know for sure... I would never want a husband that couldn't handle his own life. Wives calling me about hotels and phone numbers and how to reach their husbands. ENOUGH!

My weekend in San Francisco was filled with walking and talking. Me on my damn production cell. I'm so thankful that Shaun was so understanding. Friday night, I was up until 3am working on JD's charter. Are you kidding me? Saturday wasn't any better. I woke up around 6am to confirm Music Express. Fell asleep for another hour or so. Then was up and on my computer by 8:30am. This is quite the life I lead. I was relieved when Shaun dragged me out of the house. We had a nice breakfast at this little cafe. The we went down to the Presidio which I've never been. Was supposed to rain but we got really lucky. It drizzled here and there but we were able to walk to Fort Point and look around. I could never imagine having lived there, serving my country... waiting to defend the harbor in this cold brick fort. It never saw real action but still felt eerily cold... Hard to describe. Cool part was being under the Golden Gate Bridge. That was pretty neat. That was my hour of no cell service. My little reprieve for the weekend.

Shaun took me downtown to Union Square. I've been there before. A few different times in my young life. But honestly, I recognized NOTHING. It has changed so much. Like Beverly Hills stores move around to find better space and location... so does the stores in San Francisco. Nothing was where I had left it, at least in my mind. Even the hotel I used to stay in is gone. I felt like I was discovering some grand new place. Except for me being on the damn production cell phone... it would have been really nice. I must have looked really stupid walking the streets with the phone glued to my face.

Chinatown... my very first time going to the renowned San Francisco Chinatown. UHHHH, not so much. I wasn't that impressed. Lots of stuff I would never buy. Lots of stores that I wouldn't ever go into otherwise. And we walked up and down the damn strip trying to figure out where to eat. Why Shaun thought I would be helpful here... no idea... Finally, some girl thrusted out a flyer at me and when I took it from her, she lead us... (I'm not kidding)... down two blocks, right turn, half a block down (just before the alley), we entered into this building. She motioned for us to go up the stairs. Shaun started to follow her and I was like "are you kidding me?" What the hell kind of chinese restaurant is in this old decrepit building and up the stairs. I guess I said that a little too loud. Shaun chuckled and said I was being sold to slavery. HA! An hour later, I hadn't been sold to slavery and we were feasting on this amazing chinese food. I think we even bargained and got free egg rolls... like handbags in Santee Alley. It was weird! Would have been perfect had my damn production cell not rang 3/4 way through the meal.

Well, that's a little bit of what's going on. I'm tired. I must sleep now. Sonic is already curled up. It's time for me to join her.

Hilary

In light of everything that has been going on... this is insane. Hilary's sister died. I only met her once but that's all it takes. From what we gathered, she had a seizure. The oxygen couldn't get to her brain and when they found her, she was already brain dead. The rest, we're not sure. Did she past on her own or did the family pull the plug. We haven't been able to get in touch with Hilary. Just got bits from Allen, her husband.

It's taken me all night to even think how I could possibly put this down in writing. I'm so stunned. I'm so sad for Hilary and for her family. It just doesn't seem real at all.

Sonic

Sonic is starring intently at the computer screen as I type. She loves being on the desk. She especially loves to sit by the computer vent b/c of the hot air that blows out. At night, she'll sit directly under the halogen lamp and get a little sun tan. It always cracks me up.

During my week off, I spent alot of time in the office on the computer. For most of the day, she'll wander in and out of the office getting sleepier and sleepier by the minute. But for whatever reason, she won't go on her lovey and sleep. I'm not sure what made me do this but one day I brought in her little kitty donut bed and set it on a chair next to mine. Within seconds, she had hoped in the bed and fell asleep. I'm still learning.